Is oral sex a sin to be confessed?
The conjugal act is a divine gift that is at the centre of the sacrament of marriage. The two important facets of it are ‘the loving union of man and woman and the miracle of new life’. Conjugal love is the act of making a sincere gift of self, willing the good of the other. The union of the spouses in marriage is a sacramental sign of our heavenly union with Jesus, the bride groom, as he returns to take us to his wedding chamber.
With the tragedy of original sin, man and woman began to seek their own personal good at the expense of the other. The disordered desire in them (lust) reduced the holy act of the conjugal love into a mere means for selfish pleasure. They mulled over ways to avoid the intrinsic possibility of new life. In the quest for maximising pleasure, and preventing child birth, they perverted the sexual act at their own will and sought ways to contracept. This is a grave violation of the original nature of conjugal union which God intended.
Our generation is ‘sex educated’ by pornography. The pornographic culture teaches us ‘how to ‘use’ the other person to maximise our own sexual pleasure and avoid the ‘risk’ of pregnancy’. Make no mistake, the so called oral and anal sex acts, pornography exalts is immoral and soul-crushing. These are certainly sins to be confessed. If we implement these perverse acts in our married life, we not only run the risk of losing our own soul to eternal damnation but also our beloved spouse and children.
Having said that it is necessary that we draw a distinction between oral/anal sex that pornography promotes and involving the whole body in the loving union between the spouses. In the act of preparing for the sexual union, a loving couple wholeheartedly offers their bodies to each other as a self-gift. Here, the mouth or any part of the body may be involved in expressing their mutual love. There is no place here for selfish pleasure. Only the common good and greater good is sought for. These acts are never an end in itself but a means toward the end i.e. the procreative act.
Sexual pleasure is God given. While ‘sexual pleasure’ is both a reward and an encouragement for the couple to come together in love, it is not the aim of sexual union. The objective of sexual union is union and procreation as mentioned above.
Now let me state a few things bluntly so that we leave no room for doubt. During oral stimulation, if either or both spouses intend it to bring about ejaculation apart from intercourse, the behaviour becomes sodomy and is morally unacceptable.
If an unintentional ejaculation happens outside the vagina, the couple should make the act procreative by placing the semen in her while the semen is still viable. However, if a couple is prone to accidental ejaculations outside of her, they should be prudent, as this could be a near occasion for sin.
It follows then that a man should not ejaculate into the oral cavity from oral sex, but oral stimulation may be opted during foreplay, if both the spouses are willing, but they should switch to a vaginal act before ejaculation. Those who have premature ejaculation or those who have no reasonable control over ejaculation should use discretion in choosing oral stimulation during foreplay, as it could be a near occasion for sin.
Let us not forget, our call is to grow in holiness (perfect love), by disciplining our disordered desires, restoring it from the tyranny of selfishness. The question is not simply how to avoid sin and walk the borderline but it is all about reaching for Christ-like love in marriage. True sexual pleasure is the certain outcome of pure spousal love. It is seldom the result of external gymnastics and gimmicks.
If you have a medical condition where things do not happen in the natural way, you may please get in touch with your parish priest who would advise you or direct you to the right person, on how to enter into the procreative act in holiness. May God bless you.
Dr. Nelson Thomas
Disclaimer!
The views, thoughts, opinions presented here belong solely to the author and are not necessarily the official view of the Jesus youth movement.
Low-key this is kinda weird but at least it was clear.
I am engaged to a much younger woman. Firstly, I think that it is unfair that I am expected to wait for our wedding night. By then, I may not be able to be physically capable. Secondly, I feel that oral sex between engaged heterosexual couples should not be a mortal sin.
Lastly, if a man and woman truly love each other, I have a hard time believing that sex before the wedding day will send them to hell.
“true” sexual pleasure is “seldom the result of external gymnastics and gimmicks”…I’m assuming you are referring to oral/anal sex displayed in porn? That makes me think that you have seen these acts (for “research purposes only”, naturally) in order to make your judgement. This is similar to the Catholic Churches view on masturbation, in which it is labeled “an intrinsically and gravely disordered action”….yeah, right. Let’s also bring the complete ban on any type of contraception because it eliminates the “sole purpose” of sex (between only a married man and woman, of course), the potential for procreation…..because we should still be promoting the birth of an unlimited number of children on a planet which will be shortly starting to run out of finite resources? And The Church wonders why more people are leaving the faith every year? I was raised a Catholic, but I’ve been an agnostic for many years and have called myself a “recovering Catholic”.
Dr. Armstrong really? I don’t know Dr. Nelson, but your “for research only” comment is really licking the bottom of the barrel. You don’t even have to see it to know it’s immoral. You just dismiss the masturbation is gravely immoral and fail to see past the “it makes me feel good so it is good” argument. You then bring up the contraception prohibition, and sodomy, and again really on the idea that hedonistic pleasure should be pursued in your dismissal. But not only that, you also use the twisted Malthusian logic of the “population bomb” that was debunked decades ago! “Unlimited children” give me a break, even if the average was 5 instead of 2, it will still level out when the birth rate equals the death rate, and we are nowhere near close to running out of finite resources.
Dr Armstrong, you either take God’s precepts at face value or you don’t. What do you value “love” more earthly pleasures or God? The Church is not a popularity group. Those who chose to leave, that’s on them. Narrow is the road to heaven.
Recently I was informed that Oral intercourse is grave sin. It’s a challenge to me and my wife. We are both Catholic and believe in church whole heartedly.
When I make love with my wife, oral is part of it and it’s intimately exercised. I thought it’s natural but now that I am aware, I would like find a definite answer. Anal and Masturbation are not intimate and not natural but Oral would be difficult for me and my wife to believe that it is not. Please advise.
Hi Edwin, the original question has elaborately answered that the oral stimulation without an oral ejaculation can be included in the foreplay provided both spouses are willing for it. You are dealing with moral situation where in your spouse is not willing on grounds of her formed conscience. Conscience is generally formed based on the knowledge of good and bad. Church’s teaching on this is very clear; every conjuagl act should be both procreative and unitive. As long as the ejaculation takes place in the female genital tract conjugal act is open for procreation and an oral stimulation will not nullify this opens.
Hallo, i once performed oral sex for stimulation on my wife while we were still dating in 2018. I’ve been living in guilt for so long thinking it’ll lead me to hell. But since it never led to oral ejaculation, now i feel a little relieved after reading this.
Hi Lameck Orucho,
The original question was answered in the context of marriage. Dating period doesn’t enjoy the privileges of marriage. Sexual pleasures sought outside the context of marriage are a grave matter for sin. Even in the context of marriage, sexual pleasures which do not culminate into a vaginal ejaculation are also sinful. In a nutshell, oral stimulation culminating in vaginal ejaculation inside a marriage alone is permissible.
We have been married for 51 years. I am 77 (female) and my husband is 76. I am a practising Catholic
and he is an atheist. He told me that oral sex is okay and when I stimulate him to ejaculation
I swallow the ejaculate, How can I tell my husband that this is considered a mortal sin for me?
Dear Jeannette, every good comes from God and the good is communicated to us through the Church. For non-believer morality is no concern, and good and bad is defined by himself. The act you are referring to is immoral and it is therefore a serious concern. I would recommend that you have a dialogue with him and share your concerns with him. You may have oral stimulation and then move to natural intercourse rather than completing the act in the mouth. If your husband is still unwilling, present the matter in your confession to the priest and take his advice. Since you are made to do something you don’t agree to the act is less culpable. Praying for you.
What about a husband bringing a wife to orgasm through oral stimulation in the context of the marital act? They engage in penetrative sex in the immediate minutes.
Hi Kathleen, Woman can have multiple orgasms during the marital act. Key point is that the semen should be deposited in the genital tract of the woman making the act open to life.
I’m an older man who sometimes doesn’t ejaculate during sex with my wife. I want to but just can’t. I assume I am not being sinful because I am “open to life.”
My other quesion is: after a woman has gone through menopause and procreation is impossible, does that impact the rule that my ejaculation must be in her vagina? We can’t have children, so what does it matter if I ejaculate in her mouth or hand while we are in a unitive act? (Her mouth and hand provide more friction than her vagina so I am more likely to orgasm.)
Hello Tony, inability to ejaculate doesn’t make the act any less procreative. Fertility of the man and woman have no role in making a conjugal act procreative or not. What is being measured is whether a particular act is open or closed towards the possibility of conception, not the actuality of conception. So the ejaculation outside permissible limits of vagina makes the act non procreative irrespective of the fertility status. Hope this helps. Prayers.
Hi, what about giving vaginal stimulation and orgasm to wife without ejaculation of semen
Any intimate actions are permissible provided such actions reach its procreative and unitive ends. Any conjugal act between the couple which is both procreative and unitive is morally permissible, stimulation of genitals by partner is no exception to this.
Is oral sex on its own intrinsically disordered/unnatural? If so, then why would including it in the relative time period of natural marital relations change its morality? Shouldn’t each separate act be judged according to its own moral fonts (intention, object, circumstances)? For example, just because I donate money to charity, in the same string of events as me robbing a bank, it doesn’t make stealing morally permissible. And just because the marital act is open to life by not using contraception on certain occasions, does not make the other occasions where contraception was used morally permissible. Where does the Church actually teach that it is okay to include oral stimulation as part of the natural sexual act? Masturbation without climax is still considered a grave evil. Adultery is still adultery even if a man stops before climax. Why do the tenets of morality as taught by the Church seem to change when it comes to this? I’m genuinely curious and have only seen this kind of thing said to be permissible by authors such as Christopher West with no explanation as to why it’s permissible in the actual book he wrote that talks about this.
Thank you Matt for your question. In this sense even intense kissing may be considered unnatural. In fact such intimate actions are permissible provided such actions reach its procreative and unitive ends. Any conjugal act between the couple which is both procreative and unitive is morally permissible, stimulation of genitals by partner is no exception to this. Hope this helps.
My wife is beyond conceiving age and is now in her 50s. I cannot ejaculate inside her vagina because she has pain in her vagina while we start having sex. I have a strong desire to touch her anus with my penis. Is this perversion or pervert behavior? So usually I finish my sexual act by rubbing my penis against her anus without entering her anus. I am attracted to her ass and I achieving climax and ejaculation on her ass, just outside on top of the anus. Is this a sin? Is there any solution as to how I can enjoy sex as we cannot do vaginal sex due to her vaginal pain?
What type of sin is oral sex; Sin of the flesh or body?
Dang what about the song of solomon in old testament. Seems to contain a poetic description of oral sex. This is going to be very difficult. Ive greatly enjoyed oral sex giving and receiving
I had always viwed oral sex as a great gift and perhaps a proof god exists to allow such wonderful things ro happen. I really love it alot. Perhaps i just cease taking communion until im in nursing home with catheter and colostomy bag
Okay, I find it hard to believe I’m condemned to hell by a loving, caring god by a rule that man has made.
I hold my faith and yet I’ve had sex with a girl and had a child, this girl turned in to my wife when my daughter turned 2.
We went on to have another two children when we decided to call it a day and I had a vasectomy at the age of 30, roll on another 20 years and my wife and I still enjoy our sex life and are still very much in love
Our children are now adults and most recently had our first grandchild.
Hey Matt, sex is not intrinsically evil. What makes premarital sex evil or a mortal sin is the premarital part. Sex is supposed to be for the union of a married couple and the possibility procreation is a natural goal and consequence of this union. Marriage is not defined merely by two people loving eachother, it’s also a sacrament and an institution established by God for the good of humanity and its flourishing. Sex between two unmarried couple is a disordered sexual act and so is a sin. Sex between two unmarried couple that doesn’t end in an ejaculation is also a disordered act. Sex is supposed to end in an ejaculation. People who are unable to end sex in an ejaculation due to medical reasons are not committing any sin even though the act was disordered since they are not responsible for the inability of their body to act the way it was supposed to.
The reason ejaculation on the vaginal canal is considered to be important is because it’s a natural necessity for it to occur in sex for the sex to be open to life, which is one of its two goals.
Morality of something doesn’t CHANGE depending on the situation. Sex is always moral. Sex is a marital act which is ordered towards the union of the married couple and procreation. Premarital sex is a sin because it’s a disordered act of sex. The morality of sex didn’t change here. The reason the latter is sinful is because it’s disordered act not because it’s sex.
An example of this is the difference between murder and self defense killing. Murder is always wrong. But self defense killing is not murder. Both are killings, but one is murder(which is a sin) but the other is self defense. Just like that, both premarital and marital sex are sexual acts, but one is sex done fully(both the unitive and procreative goals of sex is fulfilled) while the other is sex done in a disordered way(the unitive goal of sex is not fulfilled). Just because it’s a sex between two people who love eachother doesn’t make it unitive. Marriage is the true union. Morally and metaphysically, there is no intrinsic difference between the sex between two unmarried couple who loves eachother and the sex between two strangers who are doing it just for the pleasure.
If there were any grammar mistakes, I’m sorry but English isn’t my mother tongue