If you are discerning and the choice you desire/believe is the Lord’s, is in contradiction with your parents’ desire, what should you do? Isn’t it biblical to receive the parents’ blessing? (And other questions about obeying one’s parents.)
This is a great question, and one that revolves around the Fourth Commandment. We’ll break down the Fourth Commandment and honoring one’s parents in detail. I know that in certain households this can be a point of contention, so to both parents and children, please know that this is an explanation of the teachings of the Church which applies to all of us for our spiritual good. A full overview of the Fourth Commandment can be found in the Catechism, sections 2196-2257. I would especially encourage you to look at sections 2214-2233, which concern the duties of parents and children to one another and the way being a disciple of Jesus affects this.
Due to the extensive nature of this question, I’ve broken it down into the following sections:
- Overview of the Fourth Commandment
- Duties of Children
- Conditions of Obeying (and Not Obeying) One’s Parents
- Vocational Discernment
- Summary
Part 1: Overview of the Fourth Commandment
Let’s start with a general explanation of what this commandment entails:
God has willed that, after him, we should honor our parents to whom we owe life and who have handed on to us the knowledge of God. We are obliged to honor and respect all those whom God, for our good, has vested with his authority.
Catechism of the Catholic Church, 2197
The fourth commandment is addressed expressly to children in their relationship to their father and mother, because this relationship is the most universal. It likewise concerns the ties of kinship between members of the extended family. It requires honor, affection, and gratitude toward elders and ancestors. Finally, it extends to the duties of pupils to teachers, employees to employers, subordinates to leaders, citizens to their country, and to those who administer or govern it. This commandment includes and presupposes the duties of parents, instructors, teachers, leaders, magistrates, those who govern, all who exercise authority over others or over a community of persons.
Catechism of the Catholic Church, 2199
The Fourth Commandment is the foundation of our relationships with one another, in order of importance: immediate family, then extended family, and then wider society. Those who follow the Fourth Commandment are “blessed” and will have a “long life” (Exodus 20:12), and it brings with it “spiritual fruits” as well as “temporal fruits of peace and prosperity” (CCC 2200).
Notice that the wording of this commandment (and the Catechism) is very specific. We are told: “Honor your father and mother.” As we will see, “honoring” one’s parents includes obeying them in many circumstances, but it is not identical to obeying one’s parents. Let me restate that: honoring one’s parents and obeying one’s parents are not synonyms. We will look at what that difference entails in detail later.
Part 2: Duties of Children to their Parents
In the first place, we are obliged to honor our parents. They are the ones who gave us life, raised us, provided for us, and established us in the faith. “For our good,” God has entrusted us to our parents, and so when they act for our good, they act on the authority God has entrusted to them to raise us and help us get to heaven.
Later on, the Catechism details what it means specifically to honor one’s parents and why we should do it: “Respect for parents (filial piety) derives from gratitude… Filial respect is shown by true docility and obedience” (CCC 2215-2216). As a show of gratitude and love to one’s parents, a child should always listen to his/her parents and honor their wishes. This always remains the most fundamental part of the Fourth Commandment.
There is actually tremendous spiritual fruit in obeying one’s parents. Obedience is very difficult for us as fallen human beings, especially in a world that encourages us to always be self-centered and only look after ourselves. Even Jesus remained always obedient to his parents–and if anybody had an excuse not to obey them, it was him! And in the end, Christ’s “obedience unto death” on the Cross (Philippians 2:8) is what won us our salvation. Obedience is such a great and powerful virtue that when someone is obedient where they are morally obliged to do so (e.g. children to their parents, a religious brother to his superior, etc.), the devil actually cannot make any influence over that decision. So obedience is something we should certainly strive after.
Part 3: Conditions of Parental Obedience
The Catechism begins by making clear that “as long as a child lives at home with his parents, the child should obey his parents in all that they ask of him when it is for his good or that of the family” (CCC 2217). So then, as long as a child (who has not yet grown up) lives at home under the care of his/her parents, that child is morally obliged to obey his/her parents.
However! This obedience has conditions! This part is especially important for parents to reflect upon. A child is one of the greatest gifts that a person can receive. God, the author of life, allows a couple to participate in his creative act to bring a new life into the world. As we have seen above, this incredible gift of life is why a child should always be grateful, charitable, and receptive to his/her parents. On the opposite side, though, parents do not “own” their children. A child’s life does not belong to the parents; it belongs to God. That is why the Catechism also establishes that children do not obey their parents blindly or without question/condition. There are times and conditions where children are not obliged to obey their parents–in fact, there are even times where children should not obey their parents. So what are those conditions?
The first scenario is when a parent tells a child to do something that is morally wrong. “If a child is convinced in conscience that it would be morally wrong to obey a particular order, he must not do so” (CCC 2217). Note the phrasing: children must not obey an order that is against their conscience.
Another scenario is when a child grows up (or to use the legal term, has reached “emancipation,” which in many countries is automatic upon reaching the age of majority). Once a child is responsible for himself/herself (i.e. an adult capable of independent decisions), obedience to one’s parents ceases to be a moral imperative. Here’s what the Catechism says (bold for emphasis):
As they grow up, children should continue to respect their parents. They should anticipate their wishes, willingly seek their advice, and accept their just admonitions. Obedience toward parents ceases with the emancipation of the children; not so respect, which is always owed to them. This respect has its roots in the fear of God, one of the gifts of the Holy Spirit.
Catechism of the Catholic Church, 2217
The phrasing on this particular passage is very insightful, and shows a wonderful balance between the child’s freedom and parental respect. Respect for one’s parents is a lifelong responsibility, but not obedience. As we said in the beginning, honoring one’s parents and obeying one’s parents are not identical. That doesn’t mean that grown adults owe nothing to their parents and are free to ignore them or angrily rebel against them; children should always strive to selflessly love and serve their parents. However, the Church honors the freedom that each and every individual person has.
In the (increasingly common) situation that a child has grown into an adult but still lives at home, obedience remains conditional. Living with one’s parents means that obedience is due to them in temporal matters, just as it would be when living in anyone else’s house. For instance, if the parents expect certain responsibilities of their adult children like taking care of household chores, that is completely reasonable. At the same time, parents should be sensitive to the needs and the freedom of their adult children while they live at home. In the eyes of the Church, they are still free to make their own decisions.
Just to be clear, though, children should not go out of their way to openly oppose their parents simply “because they can;” that is not a healthy attitude and is not what true freedom entails. Rather, what the Church understands as “freedom” is a grown person’s ability to choose what is good and holy. It’s not “freedom from” but “freedom for”–freedom for Christ, freedom for holiness, freedom for the Kingdom of God. And again, honoring, respecting, and loving one’s parents is a lifelong responsibility.
Part 4: Vocational Discernment
Lastly, we come to the matter at hand in the original question. What does someone do when his/her vocational discernment is at odds with the wishes of the parents? Let’s look at the Catechism again (bold for emphasis again)…
When they become adults, children have the right and duty to choose their profession and state of life. They should assume their new responsibilities within a trusting relationship with their parents, willingly asking and receiving their advice and counsel. Parents should be careful not to exert pressure on their children either in the choice of a profession or in that of a spouse. This necessary restraint does not prevent them – quite the contrary – from giving their children judicious advice, particularly when they are planning to start a family.
Catechism of the Catholic Church, 2230
Again, the Church honors the freedom of each and every person. A parent should not “exert pressure on their children” to marry someone, to join a religious community, or to choose a particular profession. They might give advice and do their utmost to help their children, and conversely children should look to their parents for advice and support, but the decision is not the parent’s; the decision belongs to the child.
Remember what we said before: a child’s life belongs to God. Parents are the guardians, the trustees of their children’s lives. In the end, we all belong to God. What the parents will is not always what God wills, no matter how good their intentions may be or how convinced they are. This is especially crucial when it comes to discernment and living for the Kingdom of God, as CCC 2232 emphasizes:
Family ties are important but not absolute. Just as the child grows to maturity and human and spiritual autonomy, so his unique vocation which comes from God asserts itself more clearly and forcefully. Parents should respect this call and encourage their children to follow it. They must be convinced that the first vocation of the Christian is to follow Jesus: “He who loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; and he who loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me” (Matthew 10:37).
Catechism of the Catholic Church, 2232
What we should see in all of this is that there is a balance between respecting and obeying one’s parents and being faithful to the voice of the Lord in one’s own heart. There are many stories of saints who had to walk this fine line, and some had to fight against their parent’s desires in order to follow the Lord. Just to name a few examples from across the ages: St. Lucy, St. Francis of Assisi, St. Catherine of Siena, St. Thomas Aquinas, St. Margaret Mary, St. Euphrasia Eluvathingal, Bd. Pier Giorgio Frassati, and of course many of the early Christian disciples.
As for receiving the parents’ blessing, there is tremendous value in a parent’s blessing. A child receiving the blessing of his/her parents will have a profound impact (as can parents refusing to bless). Parents should always bless their children. However, if for whatever reason one’s parents refuse to give their blessing to a particular decision, that does not mean that decision is doomed or against God’s will. There are times that God calls us to make decisions that others (including even our parents) will not understand. But if it is truly the will of God, then we can take confidence and find peace in the fact that God absolutely will bless that decision. All blessing and every good thing comes from God; even if one’s parents do not approve, God will not abandon us or leave us without the graces we need to do his will!
5: Summary
So then, to summarize, obedience to one’s parents is required if you are under their authority (in other words, when you are still a child). Once you are legally independent of them (emancipated or having reached the age of majority), obedience ceases to be a moral obligation and you are responsible for making your own decisions. However, while you are not morally obliged to follow them, you should still honor, respect, and serve them in love and gratitude.
Your parents cannot decide your career, your vocation, your spouse, etc. The Church says that you have the freedom to make that decision for yourself, although you should still listen to your parents’ counsel to help make a good and well-discerned decision.
If your parents ever attempt to make you do something morally wrong, you must not follow their orders.
If you are an adult living at home with your parents, you are not morally obliged to follow them as though you were still a child, but you do have certain responsibilities to them in temporal and civil matters, as a show of respect to living under their roof. Parents and adult children should work together to establish what those responsibilities entail, so that all parties feel that they are being respected and treated with charity.
Finally, our lives ultimately belong to God, and when you have discerned that the Lord is truly calling you in a particular way, your parents should respect that as well and even receive it with joy. What the parents will is not always what God wills, no matter how good their intentions may be or how convinced they are, and the call to follow Christ sometimes requires us to do things beyond our family’s (or society’s) wishes.
Chris Cammarata
Disclaimer!
The views, thoughts, opinions presented here belong solely to the author and are not necessarily the official view of the Jesus youth movement.
Thank you so much for this detailed response; it REALLY helped me! God bless you!
One of the best responses I have come across to this question. God bless you Chris.
There’s a misinterpretation in Ephesians 6:1 about what the “children” refers to. The original term is τέκνα that means child, someone that was born, it implies more the dependence on somebody than the age (Usage: a child, descendant, inhabitant). “τέκνα” doesn’t identifies an age but just the fact to be a son or a daughter, no matter the age, even at 40yo you are still the son or daughter of your parents.
“…when a child grows up (or to use the legal term, has reached “emancipation,” which in many countries is automatic upon reaching the age of majority)” …the Bible doesn’t refer to our time but to ancient time when there was not “teen years”, “preteen” or “age of majority”, just children (tekna) and emancipation intended as going to live on your own (to create your own family).
There’s a contradiction when you wrote about CCC2217: “…“as long as a child lives at home with his parents”…”…as long as a child (who has not yet grown up)… NO, no matter the age and how much is grown up!
CCC explain clearly just what the Bible says, as long as a child (τέκνα meaning) lives at home with his parents the child should obey his parents in all that they ask of him when it is for his good or that of the family, period! That means, no matter your age, until you live in your parents home and (not “or”) you are not economically independent living on your own, you have to obey your parents in everything they ask.
Beyond this, reality is parents have much more experience than young people, teens or even young adults, so they obviously know what is the best for their children, aka what is the right thing to do. What is the best right thing to do to grow up for a person still living with parents is just what the parents consider the thing that needs to be done, obeying parents is just this, doing the right thing. Probably in this stage parents would leave a lot of choices and freedom to their children, it’s not like they are micromanaging their children lives, most of the time they just suggest something not pretending to be fulfilled, but they are still the more experienced ones, they know better, so when (sometime) they tell their children to do something they should be obeyed. How much choices of “freedom” can be left to a child is only up to the parents, it depends on the child’s maturity, trust, attitude and behavior, not really on the child’s age per se, only the parents can evaluate it.
As side note, obeying parents makes them happy and bring peace in the family, it’s making the right thing for yourself too, it’s love and it should be a joy, just like adults obeying God brings happiness and peace in the society.
To makes it short and easy: if you live in your parents home and they say you to do something, no matter your age, you must obey them. Period!
Focus not on yourself but altruistically on their happiness and obeying them will be a joy for all of you!
Hello Mary, thank you for your comment! You have given some wonderful insights, although your conclusion is not correct. Let’s look at the points you brought up one step at a time, because it is worth examining in detail.
Ephesians 6:1 was not mentioned in the article; however, I believe I understand your concern here. I agree 100% with you here. “Child” refers to a biological descendent.
You are correct that the Bible does not make the same distinctions as we do in our own time regarding children. However, the definition and age of “emancipation” is not something defined by the Bible. For that, we must look to the laws of the Church. As it turns out, the Code of Canon Law does not set norms for legal emancipation, but in fact states that legal emancipation should follow the norm of civil law (CCL 105). This tells us the Church’s thinking on the matter: the age and manner of a child’s emancipation is something under the domain of civil law. Recall that in the times of the New Testament, children had no rights at all.
As a further point, I have not contradicted the Catechism in any way. CCC 2217 says that “as long as a child lives at home,” obedience is due. The CCC then immediately follows by saying that “as they grow up, children should continue to respect their parents.” However, “obedience toward parents ceases with the emancipation the children.” As the citation from the Code of Canon Law shows, “emancipation” is left to be defined by civil society. That is why I stated that in most countries, emancipation is granted automatically upon a child reaching the age of majority (typically 18).
This conclusion is incorrect. The key phrase here is CCC 2217’s statement that obedience ceases with emancipation. You are not required to be economically independent or living on your own to be legally emancipated. Reaching the age of majority is sufficient for a minor to assume full legal responsibility for their person, actions, etc. (assuming other conditions like mental faculty are in place). Canon law reinforces this: the Code defines a minor as anyone under the age of 18 (CCL 96.1), and a person who has reached the age of majority “has the full exercise of his or her rights” (CCL 98.1). To your point earlier about the usage of words, the Code of Canon Law explicitly uses the term persona minor (“a minor”), not filius (the Latin word for “child”). The condition for emancipation is thus principally age (which brings with it mental and developmental maturity).
As a further point, I would like to restate that children (regardless of age) are never obliged to obey their parents by doing something immoral. Be careful when you say that children must obey their parents “in everything they ask.”
If only it were true that parents always knew better! Parents certainly have more life experience, and that experience is invaluable. A great majority of the time, parents are able to guide their children in ways where children would otherwise be incapable of making the right decision. However, while parents often know better, they do not always know better. Parents are limited creatures too, and their authority over their children is not absolute. Children (including fully grown children) are sometimes led by the Lord to make decisions which do not match their parents’ wishes. As I mentioned in the article, there are even saints who had to go against their parents’ wishes.
Parents never “own” their children. In the world of the Old Testament and even the New Testament, children had no rights. They were understood as “property” of their parents, mere objects. Part of the radicality of Jesus’ message was that he gave attention and dignity to children–recall the famous passage of Jesus rebuking the disciples for trying to send the children away. This helped the Christian community across many centuries come to a better understanding of the rights of each and every person. That is why today we fight so strongly even for the rights of persons who are not yet born!
When a child is still a minor, he or she is certainly obliged by the Fourth Commandment, the Catechism, and Canon Law to be obedient to his/her parents (with the exception of situations where parents command something immoral). When a child reaches majority (emancipation), respect remains always due, but obedience is no longer a moral obligation, even if the child still lives at home.
When grown children (having reached majority, not minors) live at home, they do have responsibilities to their parents, but it is not on the basis of being a minor. Rather, it is a case of justice: each person receives what is their just due. Since a grown child is relying on their parents by living at home (sometimes for reasons beyond their control, like lack of money, or this current pandemic), parents enjoy the right to ask things of their children in return. But the situation is different, because while the family bond remains, the relationship is adult-to-adult, not adult-to-child.
When parents entrust their grown children to make their own decisions, it is a show of respect for their personal dignity. Children can (and often should) rely on their parents for help making decisions, and respect is always paramount. Even when there is no obligation, it is a good thing to be obedient to one’s parents–where it is reasonable. However, the Church is careful to show that once children are intellectually and developmentally capable of their own decisions (represented by reaching the age of majority), children have a right (and a responsibility) to make their own decisions. That is because the Church now understands that both civilly and morally, this child is capable of making rational, independent decisions.
When you say, “if you live in your parents home and they say you to do something, no matter your age, you must obey them. Period,” that is not true. It is not the teaching of the Church, who interprets the Scriptures.
It is not selfish of grown children to make decisions for themselves. That is an exercise of their free will, given to them by God. Like I mentioned, that does not give children the right to be disrespectful. When grown children live at home, respect is absolutely due, and that will frequently (but not always) include obedience. And there are cases where children (who have already grown up) need further help and direction from their parents. However, the Church’s teachings make it clear that the condition for children making their own independent decisions is emancipation, i.e. reaching the age of majority.
Thanks for your comment, I like the way you keep the conversation constructive. Honestly I always believed the Bible states obedience to parents until you are actually totally independent, I made some study about it years ago and when I was young, I came to the same conclusion. That is the way I grew up and in hindsight it has been all to my benefit, but we are not talking about personal experience here.
I think everything should be evaluated in the context, the choice of each word has a particular meaning, and for sure Catholic Church pays great attention to this.
The Code of Canon Law you’re referring to, CCL 105, doesn’t define “emancipation”. It talks about a minor: “Can. 105 §1. A minor necessarily retains the domicile and quasi-domicile of the one to whose power the minor is subject. A minor who is no longer an infant can also acquire a quasi-domicile of one’s own; a minor who is legitimately emancipated according to the norm of civil law can also acquire a domicile of one’s own.”. Here emancipation is the legal one, expressly stated with “legitimately”. It talks about an already occurred emancipation, “emancipated”.
I would make a distinction between “legally emancipation” and “emancipation” in the broadest sense of the word. “Emancipation” in the legal meaning is the act of acquire the rights of an adult person, it’s more something “on paper”. Broadly speaking, the meaning of emancipation is “being set free from the control of someone or something”; “to free from restraint, influence, or the like”; “set free, especially from legal, social, or political restrictions.” it’s more a status, an act.
“Emancipation” can refer to the acquired rights or to the rights put into effect; just like being a driver can mean you have the driving license (but never driven) or you are someone that experienced driving. The context makes the difference.
An emancipated person is just one free from control and bond of parental or similar figures as a matter of fact, not closely linked to the age. A legally emancipated person is one of 18yo or even younger. Generally speaking nobody would define a 30yo still living at parents home, without a job, “emancipated” …somehow even the Code of Canon Law suggests that: “Can. 99 Whoever habitually lacks the use of reason is considered not responsible for oneself (non sui compos) and is equated with infants.” differentiating facts from age on paper.
You wrote “The condition for emancipation is thus principally age (which brings with it mental and developmental maturity).” …legally speaking, yes, but it’s plenty of people in adult age without mental and developmental maturity. Still there’s a difference in legal age and actual facts.
So I think the word “emancipation” used in the CCC.2217 refers to an actual emancipation, actually living on your own as an independent individual, in fact emancipated in the usual sense of the word. It wouldn’t have cost them anything to add here “legitimate” or “legal” emancipation, or clearly state “age of majority” (just as happens in Can. 97 §1. “A person who has completed the eighteenth year of age has reached majority; below this age, a person is a minor.”), or “adult”. I believe the used “emancipation” here just to highlight the moment when the child actually leaves the parental home as an independent (emancipated) individual, totally in accordance with the previous words “as long as a child lives at home with his parents”.
Church is extremely clear in its statements, I see much more coherence with this reading than “until you leave home” but also “until you are 18yo” …if you are 22yo then what? There’s a too obvious incoherence in this case, I believe Catholic Church couldn’t have done this error.
Anyway, it’s not only my personal interpretation of that, for what I read (I didn’t read everything so maybe I’m wrong) it’s the common one.
Beyond this different interpretation, I totally agree with you. God bless you!
Thanks a lot