What are the practical means to maintain custody of heart and avoid occasions of sin in a friendship between a young boy and a girl?

Really appreciate this question and your desire to remain pure in your relationships especially with the opposite gender. The essential themes that we need to discuss while answering this question are:

1)   Creation of man and woman in God’s own image and likeness

2)   The degradation of the human heart as a result of sin and how it impacted human relationships especially between man and woman,

3)   Redemption of the heart in Jesus Christ and the restoration of supernatural life in us

4)   Practical steps to maintain custody of the heart and to live a life of purity.

The original Man and woman

Created in the image and likeness of God, man and woman share equal dignity. They were called to love, respect and do everything in their capacity to protect and elevate the dignity of each other. Their differences and the complementary nature is a divine gift. Divine love calls them to become a mutual gift so as to become one body in a sacramental union called marriage. Their mutual love reflects the ‘mutually indwelling love’ of their Triune Creator. Their passions and desires were perfectly ordered by the divine life, God lavished in them. 

Original sin

But, with the tragedy of original sin, both man and woman, spurned the divine life in them and ended up with twisted passions and desires. And they began to ‘use each other’ to satisfy their own selfish, fleshly passions and desires. This twisted desire or the disordered passion is called lust. Ever since the fall, lust dominated relationships between man and woman. Lust affected men and women differently. Men dominated women while women manipulated men. Men reduced women to an object to be used for sexual pleasure while women reduced men to an object to satisfy emotional needs.

Redemption of the heart

God did not abandon us. He sent his son to redeem us. His death and resurrection paid the price for our sins and reconciled us back to God. The divine life (sanctifying grace) lost by sin is restored in us by sacraments – the channels of grace. When we grow in a personal relationship with Jesus, and keep our soul disposed to sanctifying grace, avoiding sin, we will grow in every virtue including the virtue of chastity. Chastity in simple words is accepting and living the will of God for our sexuality, in the given vocation.

Though baptism erases the guilt of original sin, and fills us with sanctifying grace, the inclination to use the other for our selfish needs remains in us. Thus it is important that we discipline our disordered heart to attain purity of heart. 

Gift of attraction and abuse

The love shared between friends is known as Philia. And the love shared between a married couple is Eros. In friendships between boys and girls, we should be extremely careful not to step into the dynamics of erotic love or marital love. If it does, we will be pulled in all directions by our lustful passions and end up using the other for our own physical and emotional gratification. Every relationship begins with attraction. Attraction can be physical or emotional. If we do not educate and discipline our attraction to consciously desire the common good or the good of the other, we are treading a dangerous path of ‘selfishness’ which may lead to utilitarianism. I would recommend ‘Love and Responsibility’ by Saint John Paul II for more insight.

To be attracted to another is to find something valuable and good in the other person and seek that value. It could be beauty, virtues, personality etc. The attraction involves the mind, will, senses, emotions and desires. The reason man and woman are attracted to each other is because of sexual urge. Sexual urge involves seeking  the person of the opposite sex, both physically and emotionally. The physical attraction is to the body of the other (sensual attraction) and the emotional attraction is to femininity or masculinity of the other (sentimental attraction). The sensual and sentimental attraction can lead to authentic love if integrated with the noble acts of love like good will, friendship, virtues and most of all self-giving. But that’s not always the case.

To prevent abuse of the gift of attraction, our hearts must be disciplined by the divine. Our intellect and will must be disposed to divine truth and love so that we grow in sanity as well as in sanctity. 

Some practical steps

In your friendship, it is always good if you are able to seek the common good or the greater good of the other. You must also know that it is quite possible that the desire you have for the other may turn into a desire to possess the person seeking your own good. You may experience a physical (sensual) attraction or an emotional (sentimental) attraction to the other. Here one may be treading the erotic path rather than the philia path.

It would also help to avoid situations where you are alone with the other. Avoid intimate situations that stir up passions and desires. Always keep a safe distance. Respect the other by not entering into the other’s private space. This is the intimate space one preserves for their spouse alone. Let not your friends fire up passions in you. We live in an overtly sexualised culture. Pornography reigns as the sex guru. The world and the internet will always tell you to let loose your passions and go for it. Thus it is prudent to run away from pornography. Avoid any material that demands that you compromise your stand against the objectification of the other. You should be vigilant against crafty devices of the evil one. Bible says ‘Be prudent as serpents and innocent as doves‘. So it is important that you grow in personal holiness to remain chaste in your relationships

As a Catholic, the following spiritual exercises will help us stay pure in our relationships.

• Remain in the state of sanctifying Grace

Confession restores the sanctifying grace in us. We increase in sanctifying grace by doing supernatural acts like Holy Mass, personal prayer, holy hour, acts of mercy etc. Mother Teresa said purity is the fruit of prayer. Let us be careful not to spurn the grace received. Do not postpone confession. If we do, we will fall into more serious sins. Sin keeps us from what is holy. So let us be holy as the heavenly father is holy. Mathew 5:48

Strengthen our intellect and will

Our intellect will grow in sanity when we meditate the scriptures, read spiritual books and dwell  on the sacred teachings of the Church. Our will is strengthened by increasing the sanctifying grace by way of the supernatural acts as above. Growing in sanctity and in virtues helps us to be prudent and also to make the right choices and live by it. You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds. Ephesians 4:22-23

Guard our thoughts

Attraction in itself is not sin. but it is what we do with the attraction becomes sinful. Every sin begins as a thought. When our conscience detects that the thought is of the flesh, we must wilfully bring these thoughts captive to Christ. Take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. 2 Corinthians 10:5 and allow God to transform you by the renewal of your mind (Rom. 12:2). And with freedom we should choose the opposite virtue and excel in it. 

Avoiding near occasions of sin

Avoid occasions to sin. Run away from sin as if from a serpent. Sirach 21:2. See how Joseph of the old testament ran away from sin. Be careful when you are online. It could be a harmless looking video suggestion from youtube or vimeo. Or a news item or some data that discusses sexual promiscuity. May be it is a scene in a movie or a television serial. It could be a random friend who gives you perverse ideas. Sometimes it could be being alone that makes you vulnerable. Avoid occasions to sin.

Custody of the eyes

I made a covenant with mine eyes; How then should I look upon a virgin? Job 31:1. In order to rescue our hearts from the dominion of concupiscence (the inclination to sin), we must learn to take custody of our eyes. Taking custody of the eyes is more than simply ‘looking away’ but it is about learning to ‘look in the right’ way. In order to gaze at someone the right way, our hearts must be matured in pure love. 

May God lead his children to walk in his ways, in the way of purity so that we may recognise the divine in each other and one day come to see God face to face.