If a person has kids outside marriage, how should he or she settle it after confession. Abandon the unlawful spouse or take care of both families?

To begin with, let us remember that family and children are always meant to be a blessing. While it is unfortunate that people do sin together in this way, it does not change the fact that every human life has value and is precious in the eyes of God. Even in sinful circumstances, children should never be thought about as a burden.

At the same time, it does require a lot of time, effort, and responsibility to raise a child. What should a man do…?

It might help to consider things from the woman’s perspective here. If she becomes pregnant, who will have to carry the child for nine months? A man can have relations with a woman and “get away with it.” He can run away after he has sinned in this way; a woman cannot. She now bears the responsibility of their child. That is why many countries enact laws that require a man to support a woman who has borne his child, because he should share in the responsibility of raising the child.

People also point out the social factors at work here. Many families consider it shameful if they find out that something like this has happened–and unfortunately, it is usually much worse for daughters. Some parents have shunned their children (especially their daughters) when they find out that they have conceived out of wedlock. Some even pressure them to do horrible things, like abort the baby, out of fear of the social repercussions. However, should fear and shame control a family’s actions? Or does Jesus not ask that we treat one another with mercy? Is social status more important than the life of that baby? No, it is not.

The man and the woman have sinned regardless and they should confess because the beauty and holiness of sex is meant for the sacrament of marriage. However, they both still owe it to their child to raise him/her to the best of their abilities.

I do know situations where two young people have conceived and decided that they should marry in order to raise their child together, and I think that is a very noble and respectable decision. It shows that they know what it means to raise a family and the importance of being married to one another. I would like to say, however, that solutions to this scenario are not “one size fits all.” After careful discernment, the parents may decide that it is better to give the child up for adoption, or they may seek help from other family members.

There’s also another complicated scenario where a man is unfaithful to his wife and conceives a child with another woman after he is already married (the sin of adultery). Even though he cannot marry the woman with whom he has sinned, he is still responsible for that child. Perhaps they decide that the man will raise the child in his own household, or perhaps the woman will raise the child. Again, there is not one solution. 

Whatever the situation, though, it would be very wrong for a man to completely abandon the woman and the child he conceived with her. He is responsible for them. The father and the mother both should do what is best for the child, so that the child may have a good life and a good family.