Is a relationship that does not involve sexual pleasure or lust a sin?

This question could be referring to a variety of different situations, but it sounds like you’re describing a situation where there are two young people who are in a relationship but not married, so I’ll try to answer it accordingly. It’s going to be a longer answer, so be ready!

Chastity, Love, and Use

The most important thing to keep in mind is the virtue of chastity. Many times, we simply think of chastity only as abstinence from sexual relations, but that is not exactly a full answer. Actually, the Catechism gives us a beautiful and simple definition: “Chastity means the successful integration of sexuality within the person and thus the inner unity of man in his bodily and spiritual being” (CCC 2337). In other words, chastity is a virtue which helps our biological nature and spiritual nature to work in harmony with each other. That means that we look at every single person with reverence for their personal dignity, and not as objects for our personal use, which is the sin of lust.

There is also more than one way for someone to “use” another person in a relationship. They might use each other for emotional support; for example, maybe they can’t stand the thought of being alone, so they want someone there to make them feel better. They might also use each other for social gain: looking cool or popular, getting respect, etc. The point is that there’s lots of ways of “using” somebody else for one’s own selfish benefit.

“Too Much?”

As another note on chastity and lust, many young people ask the question: “How much is too much?” This is basically looking for the “line” between what’s sinful and not sinful. This isn’t a good attitude to have in a relationship either–we should never be looking for how much self-gratification we can “get away with” before it becomes a sin. Remember: chastity means we look at every person with reverence. Am I still reverencing the other person if I’m looking for ways to get as close to breaking the rules as possible, without actually breaking them?

A good rule of thumb is that in an unmarried relationship, your physical actions should not make you want to commit sin together. Some actions are always lustful, but other times it may not be so clear. For example, if you know in your heart that you struggle with purity, then even a simple hug might be too much for you. But maybe you have grown in the virtue of chastity, and you know that you can give that same hug with a pure heart as a small but genuine expression of love. Examine your conscience and pay attention to your thoughts, feelings, and desires, and you will usually know if your actions reflect love or lust.

Other Factors and Readiness for Relationship

So if two young unmarried people are in a relationship with each other, and they keep themselves chaste and treat one another with reverence, respect, and selfless love, and don’t use the other person for their own selfish reasons, then at least in theory there’s no sin in being in a relationship.

Ah, but hold on a second! There are lots of other factors to consider here. If these two people are still children, then they are under the authority of their parents–and if their parents don’t want them to be in a relationship, then they do need to obey their parents.

And there are also other things to consider as well. Even if you are able to live in a chaste relationship with someone else, are you mentally, emotionally, and spiritually prepared for a relationship? When you enter a relationship with someone, you are saying by your actions that you want to discern how God is calling you to love that person. That means that there’s no real “free time” in dating and relationships–by that, I mean that every relationship ends one of two ways: the couple stays together or they separate. That doesn’t mean you have to plan the wedding from the first day! Discernment is, after all, a process that takes time, and some choices have to be made gradually. But eventually, you’ll have to consider the possibility that you might marry the person you’re in a relationship with.

Whew, that’s a lot of ground to cover! But hopefully it helps give some more insight on the subject!