If you are discerning and the choice you desire/believe is the Lord’s, is in contradiction with your parents’ desire, what should you do? Isn’t it biblical to receive the parents’ blessing? (And other questions about obeying one’s parents.)

This is a great question, and one that revolves around the Fourth Commandment. We’ll break down the Fourth Commandment and honoring one’s parents in detail. I know that in certain households this can be a point of contention, so to both parents and children, please know that this is an explanation of the teachings of the Church which applies to all of us for our spiritual good. A full overview of the Fourth Commandment can be found in the Catechism, sections 2196-2257. I would especially encourage you to look at sections 2214-2233, which concern the duties of parents and children to one another and the way being a disciple of Jesus affects this.

Due to the extensive nature of this question, I’ve broken it down into the following sections:

1. Overview of the Fourth Commandment
2. Duties of Children
3. Conditions of Obeying (and Not Obeying) One’s Parents
4. Vocational Discernment
5. Summary

Part 1: Overview of the Fourth Commandment

Let’s start with a general explanation of what this commandment entails:

God has willed that, after him, we should honor our parents to whom we owe life and who have handed on to us the knowledge of God. We are obliged to honor and respect all those whom God, for our good, has vested with his authority.

Catechism of the Catholic Church, 2197

The fourth commandment is addressed expressly to children in their relationship to their father and mother, because this relationship is the most universal. It likewise concerns the ties of kinship between members of the extended family. It requires honor, affection, and gratitude toward elders and ancestors. Finally, it extends to the duties of pupils to teachers, employees to employers, subordinates to leaders, citizens to their country, and to those who administer or govern it. This commandment includes and presupposes the duties of parents, instructors, teachers, leaders, magistrates, those who govern, all who exercise authority over others or over a community of persons.

Catechism of the Catholic Church, 2199

The Fourth Commandment is the foundation of our relationships with one another, in order of importance: immediate family, then extended family, and then wider society. Those who follow the Fourth Commandment are “blessed” and will have a “long life” (Exodus 20:12), and it brings with it “spiritual fruits” as well as “temporal fruits of peace and prosperity” (CCC 2200).

Notice that the wording of this commandment (and the Catechism) is very specific. We are told: “Honor your father and mother.” As we will see, “honoring” one’s parents includes obeying them in many circumstances, but it is not identical to obeying one’s parents. Let me restate that: honoring one’s parents and obeying one’s parents are not synonyms. We will look at what that difference entails in detail later.

Part 2: Duties of Children to their Parents

In the first place, we are obliged to honor our parents. They are the ones who gave us life, raised us, provided for us, and established us in the faith. “For our good,” God has entrusted us to our parents, and so when they act for our good, they act on the authority God has entrusted to them to raise us and help us get to heaven.

Later on, the Catechism details what it means specifically to honor one’s parents and why we should do it: “Respect for parents (filial piety) derives from gratitude… Filial respect is shown by true docility and obedience” (CCC 2215-2216). As a show of gratitude and love to one’s parents, a child should always listen to his/her parents and honor their wishes. This always remains the most fundamental part of the Fourth Commandment.

There is actually tremendous spiritual fruit in obeying one’s parents. Obedience is very difficult for us as fallen human beings, especially in a world that encourages us to always be self-centered and only look after ourselves. Even Jesus remained always obedient to his parents–and if anybody had an excuse not to obey them, it was him! And in the end, Christ’s “obedience unto death” on the Cross (Philippians 2:8) is what won us our salvation. Obedience is such a great and powerful virtue that when someone is obedient where they are morally obliged to do so (e.g. children to their parents, a religious brother to his superior, etc.), the devil actually cannot make any influence over that decision. So obedience is something we should certainly strive after.

Part 3: Conditions of Parental Obedience

The Catechism begins by making clear that “as long as a child lives at home with his parents, the child should obey his parents in all that they ask of him when it is for his good or that of the family” (CCC 2217). So then, as long as a child (who has not yet grown up) lives at home under the care of his/her parents, that child is morally obliged to obey his/her parents.

However! This obedience has conditions! This part is especially important for parents to reflect upon. A child is one of the greatest gifts that a person can receive. God, the author of life, allows a couple to participate in his creative act to bring a new life into the world. As we have seen above, this incredible gift of life is why a child should always be grateful, charitable, and receptive to his/her parents. On the opposite side, though, parents do not “own” their children. A child’s life does not belong to the parents; it belongs to God. That is why the Catechism also establishes that children do not obey their parents blindly or without question/condition. There are times and conditions where children are not obliged to obey their parents–in fact, there are even times where children should not obey their parents. So what are those conditions?

The first scenario is when a parent tells a child to do something that is morally wrong. “If a child is convinced in conscience that it would be morally wrong to obey a particular order, he must not do so” (CCC 2217). Note the phrasing: children must not obey an order that is against their conscience.

Another scenario is when a child grows up (or to use the legal term, has reached “emancipation,” which in many countries is automatic upon reaching the age of majority). Once a child is responsible for himself/herself (i.e. an adult capable of independent decisions), obedience to one’s parents ceases to be a moral imperative. Here’s what the Catechism says (bold for emphasis):

As they grow up, children should continue to respect their parents. They should anticipate their wishes, willingly seek their advice, and accept their just admonitions. Obedience toward parents ceases with the emancipation of the children; not so respect, which is always owed to them. This respect has its roots in the fear of God, one of the gifts of the Holy Spirit.

Catechism of the Catholic Church, 2217

The phrasing on this particular passage is very insightful, and shows a wonderful balance between the child’s freedom and parental respect. Respect for one’s parents is a lifelong responsibility, but not obedience. As we said in the beginning, honoring one’s parents and obeying one’s parents are not identical. That doesn’t mean that grown adults owe nothing to their parents and are free to ignore them or angrily rebel against them; children should always strive to selflessly love and serve their parents. However, the Church honors the freedom that each and every individual person has.

In the (increasingly common) situation that a child has grown into an adult but still lives at home, obedience remains conditional. Living with one’s parents means that obedience is due to them in temporal matters, just as it would be when living in anyone else’s house. For instance, if the parents expect certain responsibilities of their adult children like taking care of household chores, that is completely reasonable. At the same time, parents should be sensitive to the needs and the freedom of their adult children while they live at home. In the eyes of the Church, they are still free to make their own decisions.

Just to be clear, though, children should not go out of their way to openly oppose their parents simply “because they can;” that is not a healthy attitude and is not what true freedom entails. Rather, what the Church understands as “freedom” is a grown person’s ability to choose what is good and holy. It’s not “freedom from” but “freedom for”–freedom for Christ, freedom for holiness, freedom for the Kingdom of God. And again, honoring, respecting, and loving one’s parents is a lifelong responsibility.

Part 4: Vocational Discernment

Lastly, we come to the matter at hand in the original question. What does someone do when his/her vocational discernment is at odds with the wishes of the parents? Let’s look at the Catechism again (bold for emphasis again)…

When they become adults, children have the right and duty to choose their profession and state of life. They should assume their new responsibilities within a trusting relationship with their parents, willingly asking and receiving their advice and counsel. Parents should be careful not to exert pressure on their children either in the choice of a profession or in that of a spouse. This necessary restraint does not prevent them – quite the contrary – from giving their children judicious advice, particularly when they are planning to start a family.

Catechism of the Catholic Church, 2230

Again, the Church honors the freedom of each and every person. A parent should not “exert pressure on their children” to marry someone, to join a religious community, or to choose a particular profession. They might give advice and do their utmost to help their children, and conversely children should look to their parents for advice and support, but the decision is not the parent’s; the decision belongs to the child.

Remember what we said before: a child’s life belongs to God. Parents are the guardians, the trustees of their children’s lives. In the end, we all belong to God. What the parents will is not always what God wills, no matter how good their intentions may be or how convinced they are. This is especially crucial when it comes to discernment and living for the Kingdom of God, as CCC 2232 emphasizes:

Family ties are important but not absolute. Just as the child grows to maturity and human and spiritual autonomy, so his unique vocation which comes from God asserts itself more clearly and forcefully. Parents should respect this call and encourage their children to follow it. They must be convinced that the first vocation of the Christian is to follow Jesus: “He who loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; and he who loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me” (Matthew 10:37).

Catechism of the Catholic Church, 2232

What we should see in all of this is that there is a balance between respecting and obeying one’s parents and being faithful to the voice of the Lord in one’s own heart. There are many stories of saints who had to walk this fine line, and some had to fight against their parent’s desires in order to follow the Lord. Just to name a few examples from across the ages: St. Lucy, St. Francis of Assisi, St. Catherine of Siena, St. Thomas Aquinas, St. Margaret Mary, St. Euphrasia Eluvathingal, Bd. Pier Giorgio Frassati, and of course many of the early Christian disciples.

As for receiving the parents’ blessing, there is tremendous value in a parent’s blessing. A child receiving the blessing of his/her parents will have a profound impact (as can parents refusing to bless). Parents should always bless their children. However, if for whatever reason one’s parents refuse to give their blessing to a particular decision, that does not mean that decision is doomed or against God’s will. There are times that God calls us to make decisions that others (including even our parents) will not understand. But if it is truly the will of God, then we can take confidence and find peace in the fact that God absolutely will bless that decision. All blessing and every good thing comes from God; even if one’s parents do not approve, God will not abandon us or leave us without the graces we need to do his will!

5: Summary

So then, to summarize, obedience to one’s parents is required if you are under their authority (in other words, when you are still a child). Once you are legally independent of them (emancipated or having reached the age of majority), obedience ceases to be a moral obligation and you are responsible for making your own decisions. However, while you are not morally obliged to follow them, you should still honor, respect, and serve them in love and gratitude.

Your parents cannot decide your career, your vocation, your spouse, etc. The Church says that you have the freedom to make that decision for yourself, although you should still listen to your parents’ counsel to help make a good and well-discerned decision.

If your parents ever attempt to make you do something morally wrong, you must not follow their orders.

If you are an adult living at home with your parents, you are not morally obliged to follow them as though you were still a child, but you do have certain responsibilities to them in temporal and civil matters, as a show of respect to living under their roof. Parents and adult children should work together to establish what those responsibilities entail, so that all parties feel that they are being respected and treated with charity.

Finally, our lives ultimately belong to God, and when you have discerned that the Lord is truly calling you in a particular way, your parents should respect that as well and even receive it with joy. What the parents will is not always what God wills, no matter how good their intentions may be or how convinced they are, and the call to follow Christ sometimes requires us to do things beyond our family’s (or society’s) wishes.